Forgiveness Isn't Always the Answer: The Hidden Costs of a Cultural Ideal

According to Illing, the cultural ideal of forgiveness is often framed as a moral strength, with those who refuse to forgive being seen as flawed rather than as legitimate responders to harm. However, this narrative can be problematic, as it can flatten the reality of harm and push victims to carry burdens that do not belong to them. Illing emphasized that anger is not simply a failure of self-control, but rather a moral emotion that can serve as a necessary response to wrongdoing. In the podcast, Illing cited the example of victims of trauma, who may feel pressure to forgive in order to move forward, but may not be ready or willing to do so. "Forgiveness is often treated as a universal virtue, yet our cultural obsession with it can be damaging," Illing said. "We need to recognize that anger is a valid response to harm, and that forgiveness is not always the only option." Illing's perspective is not new, but rather a reflection of a growing trend in social justice movements, which emphasize the importance of acknowledging and validating the emotions of those who have been harmed. This shift in perspective is also reflected in the work of psychologists and researchers, who have long argued that anger and forgiveness are not mutually exclusive, but rather can coexist in a complex and nuanced way. The idea that anger and forgiveness can coexist is not without controversy, however. Some critics argue that forgiveness can be a necessary step towards healing and reconciliation, and that refusing to forgive can perpetuate cycles of violence and harm. Others argue that the emphasis on forgiveness can be used to silence victims and prevent them from seeking justice. Despite these criticisms, Illing's podcast episode has sparked an important conversation about the complex relationship between anger and forgiveness in America. As the country continues to grapple with issues of trauma, harm, and social justice, Illing's perspective serves as a reminder that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to healing and reconciliation.